I deposited twelve hundred dollars in cheques today.

It felt really good.

However, looking at myself in the mirror, with my increasing pillow softness, did not feel good.

~

G called today. Said he was trying to make it out for 12th Night, quite seriously.

I assume he's assuming he's stay with me.

That terrifies me.

I do not like people in my house, especially my house when I haven't cleaned recently.

It's not too bad, but it's getting there. I'd still need a solid day of consistent work to clear it up.

But...to see G again.

How will I feel?

How will he feel?

Do I care?

I don't know.

His mouth is full of pretty almost-truths.

Beware those people who can believe things just long enough so as not to technically lie. They are the most dangerous; they speak with such perfect sincerity.

I am afraid of his judgment, seeing my messy house, my chaotic bedroom, my frameless mattress on the floor.

I spend every moment of every day being judged (my own fault; I dress to provoke), and my home is my sanctuary.

I don't invite people in very often.

~

Tom, the clockmaker I met at the New Year's party, found me on Facebook.

His writing style is very similar to mine, something I find attractive.

I do not know how old he is. I like to say I don't care, but there's always a part of me that rather does.

I have a sneaking suspicion he's in his late thirties.

Is that too old for me?

It is my belief that at a certain age gap, relationships simply won't work, because the rate of maturity is so vastly different.

That is to say, if my mental age sits around thirty, and my actual age is twenty-five, and my partner's mental age is thirty, and his actual age is thirty-six, then...

My mental maturity rate would be 120, and my partner's would be 83.

Five years would pass, but years would start separating us, mentally.

It is why I never date a man younger than I. Men tend to mature slower in the first place, in my opinion, and dating an actually younger man is just asking for trouble.

Who knows.

I am always told I don't act my age, that I'm far more grounded than most twenty-whatever year olds.

I never know what to say to that.

My mother says I have a matronly figure and a sensible attitude, which is why people think I'm older.

I don't know.

I don't much care, honestly.

But I do care about sleep, and I should do some of that now.

Be well. Wish me luck.

.

Rosie.

Before&After