What do I do about G?

I have had no contact since saying goodbye to him on Sunday.

Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

I can still feel my hands in his, his fingers kneading mine with...what? Restlessness? Fear? Boredom?

How it must have looked for anybody walking by:

Face to face, no more than a foot apart, my face red with crying, his moving with a myriad of emotions that I could not read.

"What do you see when you look into my eyes?" he asked. "What do you see?"

I looked at him, hard. His eyes are the colour of burnt sugar, clear and sweet without variation. His eyebrows were working like two caterpillars mating.

"I see.." I could see the man in him. I could always see the man in him, so smothered by the boy he is so used to being. "I see a man who doesn't know what he wants."

All that work and what did it get me? Why did I do it? Scrapbooks of me in the background. Give 'em love and what does it get you? One quick look as each of them leaves you.

We stood like that for a good twenty minutes, talking, and on my part, crying.

"What am I do you?" I asked, as so many have asked before me. He threw back his head in frustration, half peeling away from me.

"This is history repeating itself!"

"Yes!" I said, thumping his chest. "And it will keep repeating itself until you learn! How many times will it have to happen before you learn?"

He looked at me again, taking me hands with a restless grip.

"How many times?" I asked, quieter. He didn't answer and I cried more.

"There is no way you can rid of me without breaking my heart," I told him. "Not anymore. But if you have to break my heart, make it clean. Don't give me hope."

He didn't know what to say. He rarely does.

"Hope is the worst thing you can give."

Two days, and counting.

For as many times before I have said I do not expect him to call again, I really do not expect him to call again.

He will take the coward's way out.

I want with all my heart for him to grow a pair of balls and be a man, but I know him too well for that.

There is no way he can get rid of me without breaking my heart.

.

Rosie.

Before&After