Weak and foolish woman
June 24, 2010 - 10:59 p.m.

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Weak! I am a weak and foolish woman.

G was on Facebook tonight. I thought he was heading to an event.

With my current medical scare, I thought to myself: I need to keep a thread of communication open, Just In Case.

So I messaged him.

Foolish, foolish, weak woman.

It was a brief exchange, betraying little emotion on either side.

When he asked: "How's life?" I almost wept right there.

To have come to a point where such a question is necessary makes me want to cry.

In conclusion, I asked him to phone me when he got back from the event, and he said he would.

I need to clear the air.

With fire.

But still, clear the air.

Also, I figured I should probably let him know about this pregnancy scare. Just in case. For all I cross my fingers and plead with the unhearing universe, it is still better to have warning.

Or I'm just clawing for excuses to hear his voice again.

~

Laying on a tangle of blankets, the hasty combination of our two bed rolls, he stared at me with an intense directness that made me uneasy.

"What?" I said. A smile was hovering around his eyes.

"Just looking," he said, touching my face. "I don't get to see you very often, so I'm going to look as much as I can while I still can."

The next morning I studied him while he slept. Soft lips and full eyebrows, eighth inch stubble that grew in every direction, two earring holes in his right ear, though I've never seen him wear earrings.

~

Goddamned boys.

Goddamned it all.

After Paul, didn't I say I was forswearing love?

Didn't I?

Ah, my poor walnut heart.

Someday someone will come along and mistake my poor heart for just that, and will crunch it up without a second thought.

Fuck it. I'm going to bed. I have to work shitty early tomorrow.

.

Rosie.

Before&After