What happened...
November 02, 2011 - 10:56 p.m.

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Since adding a lot more ground flax to my diet, my skin has gotten a lot better. It used to fluxuate badly with my cycle, but I didn't get a single bad breakout this time.

I passed on getting the flu shot at work. I told my big boss to go shove it where the sun don't shine.

And by that I mean I politely declined.

I feel strange as I get older. I'm having a hard time with it.

I feel like I'm going to die soon.

I know that's a strange thing to say. Even as a child I felt like my time on this earth would be short. I made my peace with death, then, but I still cannot shake the feeling that I'm running out of time.

My heart feels like a giant empty chamber.

I once, I remember, said that I felt like I was sitting in the middle of a tall stone tower, watching the sky roll by, never really getting close to anybody.

Then I felt like the Self was gone, and I was the tower.

Now I just feel like a giant underground chamber, into which drips sorrow and happiness and loneliness.

Every drop that falls echoes and amplifies around the room, the vibrations unbearable, shaking my brain until my teeth fall out.

To be strong...

My mother is a strong woman. I think she sees me as weak.

I do not know what I am.

I feel so weak. So weak and frail and unbearable.

I wore lipstick out tonight, for no particular reason.

I remember a time when I wore a lot of lipstick. Bright red, always the same. Never any other make-up, just a slash of red lipstick.

I wore necklaces a lot, too. Earrings sometimes, but I still have that paranoia that someone will rip out my earrings.

I remember caring about what I looked like. Kind of. I mean, I didn't care what OTHER people thought, but I liked wearing what ever I wanted. I wore a lot of velvet blazers.

I gave away all my velvet blazers a couple of months ago.

Almost all. I kept my best black one, and my green one.

The green one was particularly hard to find.

I used to own several black ones, a bright blue one, a navy one, an olive one, a dark teal one, a copper red one, a brown one, and a maroon one.

I wore velvet blazers a lot.

I would tie a silk scarf around my neck like a cravat, and wear woolen skirts down to my toes. And a slash of red lipstick.

What happened to me?

What happened to me?

Where did I go?

.

Rosie.

Before&After