I put a hand in my hair and pretend it's a man's.

Which one?

I don't know.

My roommate is home from China. He was gone for a month. Did I mention? Probably not.

My roommate was gone for a month. I never realized how much sound this house makes. I always assumed it was him.

I used his bathtub a lot. Many, many evenings laying stoned in a bubble bath. That is my idea of heaven.

Okay, that, and then a vigerous back scratch.

Oh, sweet heaven.

~

"Are you mad at me?" Kelly asked. "You've been short with me."

I hated that she had to ask. She is, occasionally, very good at picking up tiny social cues.

But mostly she ignores them.

Which was why I had been angry at her.

But the air is clear now and we're okay (I think).

~

I'm drunk.

Kind of.

Does that come as a surprise?

It shouldn't anymore.

Okay, I'm not that drunk. Two drinks, so I'm a little fuzzy.

I'm depressed.

I know I am.

I'm in the middle of an identity crisis, and I feel stupid for it.

I, Rosie. I, in the middle of an identity crisis.

I thought perhaps that I had worked things out over the summer, and things had felt better, briefly.

Now...now I'm snapping at friends, hiding in my house, drinking too much, not taking care of myself.

What is this?

Is this growing up?

Why can't I just be content with what life dishes me?

Why can't I want what everyone else seems to want?

What is this?

I'm miserable. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being more miserable than I already am. I'm afraid of change in case it's for the worse.

I'm afraid of being alone. I am always afraid of being alone.

I feel on the edge of loneliness right now. I have a hard time making friends.

"You're an ice cube," Caitlin laughs, "until people get to know you. And then it's like watching you thaw before their eyes."

I don't feel like an ice cube. I'm just...proper. I say the right things and do the right things until I understand the way other people work.

When I was a young teenager I so desperately wanted to be friends with the kids in my class but I didn't know how.

They probably saw me as the ice cube too.

~

"You know you're encouraging me to visit somewhere other than there," T teases.

"Oh!" I say. "Oh dear! No, ditch all that noise and come visit me!"

He might. I think I would like him to.

I find I don't respect a lot of people, especially as partners, but he's doing okay. He's walking the fence right now. Just enough spine to keep respect, just enough softness to fall in love with.

We'll see.

I like tall men.

How come men over six feet always seem to want to date girls under five foot five?

Why is that?

Can anybody enlighten me?

.

Rosie.

Before&After