Hold me
April 17, 2012 - 12:20 a.m.

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We had a talk.

I think it was the beginning of the end.

I hate this feeling.

I hate feeling.

My eyes are puffy and thick from crying.

He's stuck, so stuck, in that stupid backwater town.

But at least he's happy. Or at least he's content.

Why can't I be fucking content?

Why can't I work some fucking office job like everybody else and just deal?

I can't sleep. This is the second night.

I hate myself. I hate everything.

It's only been what, a few months?

I feel like I've lived a lifetime already.

My nose won't stop running.

"So," I say, quietly because I don't want him to hear I'm crying, "are we okay?"

"Yeah," he says. "Yeah, we're okay."

There's a pause, a thick silence. My mouth is full of words, struggling and slippery on my tongue, but none of them will come out, no matter how hard I beg. It was words that caused this fucking mess to begin with.

"I gotta crawl into bed," he says, finally. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Alright," I say. A safe word.

I wait, I wait for him to call me beautiful, for an endearment to let me know it's all going to be okay.

Instead he says:

"Good night." And then he hangs up.

And I cry and sit at the computer and write in my stupid miserable diary.

I hate this thing.

My nose is raw from rubbing.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

I'm too chicken shit to commit suicide. I think I'll just lay on my bed forever and never get off.

Maybe I'll waste away.

Maybe they'll find my bones six years later when they sell the house, and some poor housewife will get the shock of her life.

Maybe, maybe.

I hate my life. I'm too skilled to be interested in doing something boring, and too unskilled to get any of the really cool jobs.

Why can't I be fluent in French. That would open a massive door for me.

I started doing online French lessons the other day. I'm worse than I remember, for all I just went to Paris.

Paris seems positively idyllic, compared to the mess my life is in now.

As that movie said:

All I really want is to have someone hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right.

.

Rosie.

Before&After