I don't even remember writing that entry yesterday.

I don't remember.

How weird is that?

I gave him his birthday present, and he laughed and told me I was crazy.

"Crazy for you," I said. It slipped out before I could stop it.

He looked at me a little funny then, but kissed me with open lips, instead of the hard closed mouth kisses he'd been giving me all weekend.

"I'll never understand that," he says with a shake of his head, and I resist the urge to tell him why I think he's wonderful.

I'm sure I already seem crazy.

Even now I'm fighting down crazy impulses. A fist rising in my throat. It makes me want to cry, and I can't even tell you why.

He watched me walk across the street to the bus. He's never watched before.

I turned and looked back. Tears were in my eyes; I know they were. I raised a hand, and he raised one in return.

The bus ride home was calm. Peaceful. The most together I've felt in weeks.

~

He kissed me, as I stood on the curb. The bus idled in the background.

"I'm sorry," I told him, through thick throat. "I'm sorry for saying the stupid things that I did."

He kissed me and rubbed my arms. I swallowed, or tried to. I couldn't meet his eyes.

"The more I think about them," I whispered, trying hard not to cry, "the less true they become."

I feel stupid. I feel out of control. I hate this feeling. I try to speak clearly, straight from the heart, and I can't help but feel like I'm fucking it all up more.

He kisses me again, a good kiss.

"We'll get through it," he tells me softly, and I feed on those words for the four hours it takes the bus to bring me back home.

I feel like I have sucked those words dry, and now I am back to despair.

I feel like I should just break up with him. Like ripping off a band-aid. Get all the pain off at once.

Maybe writing about it will help.

Writing about it usually helps.

Usually.

I've been trying to meditate to keep the throaty panic at bay, and it only kind of works.

Kind of, kind of.

Oh, world. Where is my slice of calm, easy happiness?

I'm so fucking depressed.

.

Rosie.

Before&After