Fuck. Fuck fuck. Thick fucking jealousy clogs my throat. I hate it. I hate it. Words tumble out of my mouth. Bitter, biting words. I clamp my teeth around them, but they wriggle out between the gaps. I hate it. I should be happy for her. I have to be happy for her. I have to be happy that she has the job that I was looking for, that I want, that I was trained for. I have to be happy for her because she's my friend and she wanted the job possibly more than I did. Even though she only has a few weeks of experience. Even though she's untrained. Even though I got her those couple weeks work, signed off on her union application. I'm not bitter. It's fine. It's FINE. Oh, green eyed monster. I feel this business picking away at my skin. The Biz. The fucking entertainment industry, like a monster sitting on my chest, sucking out my creativity and my drive and my will, always wanting more more more. And I always give. Because I'm helpless to say no. Because I love it, even when it makes me cry. If I had that job...if I had the days she had...then my application for one of the two unions would be complete and I would be voted through without a problem. But without experience...without fucking experience in this tightly regulated and unionized industry...the secretaries smile at me with pinched lips and apologetic eyebrows, and tell me I cannot work for them because I have no experience. I point at my applications. I point at my glowing letters of recommendation from three different theatres, my diploma of theatre. I point at my wad of photos of complicated props I have built. I point at everything that would make me an excellent addition to their union... And all I get is pinched smiles and instruction to go get more experience. I gotta be happy. I gotta be happy. I gotta. I just want to hide under my blankets and play Super Nintendo until my money runs out. Then maybe starve to death. That sounds like a good plan. That sounds like the life plan of ninety-five percent of the entertainment industry. If I didn't have things to do tomorrow, that's what I'd do. Zelda, all freakin' day. . Rosie.
Before&After
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