I got caught jumping the train today.

Two hundred and fifty dollar ticket.

Which I can't well afford, but I did it, so I'll pay it.

I'm currently wallowing in shame. I had to write it down somewhere. Writing things down helps me get them out of my system.

I'm angry, but at myself. I knew better. I was risking it. But I knew better. Especially today, especially during that time of the day. Things are prime for the transit cops to be out.

But I did it anyway, and I got caught, and I'm stupid, and I'm mad at myself and ashamed at being so stupid.

I should have continued working. There isn't much left on the show I'm working on. But I decided fuck it.

I went home immediately, filled out the 'how to pay by credit card' section, and put it in an envelope, ready to mail.

Do it fast. Like a band-aid. Don't let it wallow.

Apparently if you let this type of ticket sit and not pay it, a warrent will be issued for your arrest.

I TOTALLY don't need that. Not with all the travelling I'll be doing come next summer!

I've decided not to tell my mother. She'll just tell me what I already know: That's I'm stupid and I should have known better.

So in line with that, I went onto my online banking and paid my credit card right down to zero. It hurts the old bank account, but I've been really poor before, and I can be really poor again. It's okay. It's the life I chose, whether I'm happy about it or not.

I'd like to say I won't always be poor, but I don't see how that can happen.

The only thing I'm good at in this world is making things. And people don't want to pay for handmade goods anymore.

And I don't have the focus or interest to spend a lot of time perfecting a single art.

I like being...a creative problem solver.

So if you - YOU - need anything...faux medieval manuscripts, custom upholstered furniture, fuzzy red busts of Sigmund Freud...you know who to call.

This girl right here. The poor one.

.

Rosie.

Before&After