I am feeling very mortal tonight. Anxious, sad, weird.

My coworker's father had a heart attack last night. Just like that, at a union meeting. Fortunately, because it was at a union meeting, there was all sorts trained in first aid, and he's going to be okay.

Went to the movie by myself on sunday night. Nobody wanted to go with me. Feeling sad already, and lonely, and when I left, I walked down to the grocery store.

The entrance was blocked off. Paramedics were bent over a form on the ground. I thought it was a homeless person, but it was an older lady.

She lay with her eyes open, and her white croc slippers still on her feet.

Coming home, groceries tucked on my lap. I don't even remember what I bought; I was thinking about that woman, and her family, and the phone calls that would be made.

"I'm turning here," announces the bus driver. "There's a big accident up ahead."

It must be big, to block off that particular road.

I get out at the corner. It's raining so hard, my hair immediately starts dripping.

The street is dark. I see no sign of emergency lights, but that doesn't mean anything. The hill is steep, and the trees are thick, and lean in toward the road.

I think about looking to see where the accident is, but I don't. I just go in to my house and have an extraordinarily stiff gin.

I feel very alone here. I have a hard time with loneliness.

I miss my friends out east. I miss having them close to me. I miss my friends' kids.

I miss sex. I miss love.

I miss being able to hug people, and feel the warmth of their bodies.

Last night, in my dreams, a man killed me for no reason, or perhaps because I was a woman.

He shot me many times with a hand gun while I cowered on the ground where I fell, my hands over my head.

When I woke up, all I felt was a vague disappointment.

.

Rosie.

Before&After