Silence.
September 11, 2017 - 8:58 p.m.

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The weeks skip by, like a stone on the water.

My mornings become a strict routine, honed down to the minute.

I go to a birthday party of the friend of the couple.

They are drunk. I drive them home, and he tries to lure me out to go for pho with them at 2am.

But I am tired and angry because I'm tired. I insist on going home.

He hesitates, then leans back into the car.

I think for a minute he's going to kiss me. He thinks he is too; I can see it in his glazed eyes.

But then he doesn't. He hugs me awkwardly.

They leave.

~

My cell rings, a local number.

I step out into the dry patch of yard outside the shop. It hasn't rained in weeks.

"Hello?"

"Yes, hello. I'm from Dr. D****'s office. She got your test results and she'd like you to come in as soon as you can."

"Oh," I say. "Oh. Yes. Of course."

The air is thick and orange with the smoke from forest fires. My mouth feels like mud.

My appointment is four days later.

~

The chiropractor has me roll up onto my side.

"Stack your hips," she says, so I do.

She leans on a muscle.

"Does this hurt?"

It hurts like hell.

She moves and pushes on another.

"What about this one?"

It hurts even more.

"What about this one?"

Tears are in my eyes.

She stops asking, and just goes by my pained grunts as she works her way down my thigh.

I wonder how I got here. Would my hip be better if I were more active? What if I was stricter about my stretching? What if I weren't so fat?

The chiropractor is kind, non-judgemental.

I wish I were the same.

~

The conversation begins by accident.

I miss you The text pops up on my phone.

I hesitate, then write:

I miss you, too

Then why don't you come round anymore?

My skin gets cold.

This is it.

I write. It spills out, in spurts and starts, like the blood from my heart.

I really like you. I haven't been this interested in someone in a long time. I write as concisely, as honestly as I can. But I am still monogamous.

Long silences.

We talk over a day.

This makes me sad, he writes.

Me too.

Monogamy is too stressful.

Not for me. Polyamory is stressful. My heart folds inside out when I see the love I hunger for being given to someone else.

Then silence.

Silence.

Silence.

I let it stretch.

I grieve.

I knew it was coming. I knew it was necessary. But it doesn't make me feel any better.

I sign up for online dating again.

Silence.

Silence.

I wish he'd kissed me.

~

The doctor sits down, placing her laptop on the desk in front of here.

"You have intestinal parasites," she says, with little more than a hello. "You probably picked them up from bad water. They're pretty normal."

"Oh," I say. "Oh. So what do I do?"

"Well," she says, tapping her fingers on the desk, "normally the body corrects this type. But I'll write you a script for antibiotics. But I'd encourage you to wait and see if your body deals with them on its' own."

"It's been two months," I remind her, a little plaintively.

"Mmmm," she says. "Maybe it's time to take them, then."

~

The rain comes, finally. It pounds the streets. It clears the smoke from the sky.

The antibiotics seem to be working. The cramping and bloating go away almost immediately.

The government removes the tolls off two of the biggest bridges in the city.

I turn up the radio to drown out the silence, and that little voice in my head that whispers:

You will never be good enough. You will always be alone.

I long for silence.

.

Rosie.

Before&After