Maybe maybe
March 12, 2019 - 9:56 p.m.






It started with not being offered a build job for a movie.

No matter, I told myself. It's a small show. They don't need the full crew. Plus, I'm doing some work on this other show on my own.

But then I got dropped off the information train for the next show.

"I didn't know you were available!" the boss said. He sounds sorry, but his pokerface is excellent, so it's always hard to tell when he's sincere. "We'll work something out."

I start splitting my weeks between the two shows.

When I come in to work, they've given me the worst desk, with my back facing the door. Nobody has bothered to clean it off.

Never mind, I tell myself. Everyone's busy. It's not a big deal.

But then meetings get made without me.

Beers are gone without me.

An emergency comes up at my first show, and I have to stay there for two whole weeks, digging them out of the shit pile that's been dropped.

When I go back to my team, the second show, there is someone else sitting at my desk.

Well, I tell myself, It's no wonder. I haven't been there in a long time. It's not really MY desk, anyway.

I set up a desk in the other room, alone amidst the table saw and the band saw and the grinders.

I cry a little bit, but I make sure not to let anyone see.

Through the wall, I can hear someone used the compressed air, maybe to blow off their desk. On my side of the wall, the bull sized compressor trembles and works up to a roar, shaking dust down from the rafters.

I put my headphones in and shove my head under a sea of words.

A thought slithers in between the words, squeezes between the pummeling stimuli.

Maybe they're not your team...

It makes me feel sick.

Maybe they never were, even when you thought they were...