I had a crappy morning this morning.

Why? Just because.

You know, reminants from the night before.

Last night hurt. Like, really hurt. Physically, but mostly mentally.

I really have a hard time dealing with my mother. A seriously hard time.

Okay, it's not so much her as it is her temper. She's never, ever apologetic, never remorseful or sympathetic. You thought no one was ever like that? Well, my mother is.

Sometimes all I want is "Maybe I shouldn't have yelled at you, but I did feel what you did wasn't appropriate."

Only if you fight she /really/ yells, though, which hurts even more, so you don't fight.

That's what most of my foster siblings don't get.

Don't Fight With the Female Parental Unit. Just accept it and get on with it. It hurts more when you fight.

I mean, yesterday I was all out weeping because she was getting all angry at me. And you know what she said? Well, snapped, really.

"Stop your blubbering!"

That's it. No sympathy. Nothing. No remorse. Never from her.

I wish I could go talk to Roland when she does things like that. He listens. He pities. Feels sympathetic. Lets me cry on his shoulder as long as I need to.

I wish, I wish.

But some things will never happen.

Now my throat hurts and my head hurts and I actually cried this morning at school with no provocation. Nothing but what I was thinking.

Trust me, that's not a good thing. Normally I need something quite substantial to start me crying (then, of course, I'll cry easily for the rest of the day). But no, just a thought, and I cried. Not hard, not bad, but the usual silent red-eyed tears.

When I'm really upset I whimper when I cry. It helps to ease the pain, wimpering does.

And you know what sucks? The thing we were fighting (or she was fighting at me) for was a workshop I was quite late for that the acappella band, Streetnix, was putting on for the Signing Choir, which I quit but was still invited to the workshop.

And now they're splitting up, so we'll never get another workshop again.

And I told my mother this, and she doesn't care. I asked to go to their final concert which I realize is expensive ($20), but it's they're last freakin' concert, and I figured my mother might feel a little sorry when I told my mother about it, but no. She only feels $6 sorry.

*sigh*

I can't wait to get out of here.

That'd be /really/ nice.

.

Rosie.

Before&After