It has been a long time since I have been with a man.

Am I better off alone?

I don't know anymore.

~

I think it is incredibly erotic to feel another person's clothing against my bare skin, whether it is simply feeling someone else's clothing in the gap between my shirt and pants, or to be completely naked and pressed up against someone.

~

I think about G more often than I should.

He said he would call tonight, after I got off work but before he went out.

He never did.

~

I miss when life was simple.

I miss drinking gin and watching Dr. Who with The Twins.

I miss watching lightning roll down the valley.

I miss my mom (though I don't miss living with her) and I miss my dad (and I do miss living with him).

I miss knowing who I was and what I wanted.

I miss Nelson.

I miss the simpler life.

What I don't miss, however, is working a job I hated.

That is the sacrifice, though, isn't it? Working a job I love (mostly) and living in a city I hate.

I hate you, city.

~

Perhaps I will see G next month. Perhaps we will meet halfway, in BC somewhere.

I think about it often. Too often, really.

How would we meet? After so long.

I know how I would react: shyly, but with pleasure.

I think I know how he would react: enthusiastically, with pleasure.

What I worry about, is the looks and judgements from those nearby. I know what they think of him. I know his reputation. I know who he is.

And yet, I can't seem to quit him.

~

I'm totally listening to old Spice Girls' videos on YouTube and feeling like I was thirteen again.

'Wannabe' brings back whole slews of feelings from junior high dances.

When I was in grade nine, I left junior high to do home schooling. But I still went back to sneak in to the school dances.

One time I showed up, and someone (I don't remember who), pointed me out and said: "Hey! She doesn't go to this school anymore!"

The gym teacher was working the door and throwing out people who didn't go to the school. She looked me over, thought about it for a second, and then let me in.

They searched my bag at the door, looking for liquor or drugs. All they found was deodorant (which I remember because the French teacher said she used the same kind) and some carefully selected make-up.

I was fourteen. I don't remember anything else about the dance.

~

I'm tired and depressed. I need to shower and scrub thoroughly, because I'm getting a massage tomorrow.

The TD asked if I wanted to work tomorrow afternoon, and I told her I had a massage scheduled.

"Oh, don't give up that to work!" she said.

"What are you doing?"

"Just taking some stuff to the warehouse."

"Oh! I'm sad I'll miss it," I said. "I like saying hello to the creepy Virgin Mary."

She looked at me funny, but that's not unusual.

"You know," I said. "She's the creepiest thing I've ever seen, but I like her."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she admitted. "I've never been to the warehouse."

"Oh!" says I. "You're in for a treat then." She didn't believe me, and I don't blame her. "You'll know Creepy Virgin Mary when you see her."

I don't know what show it was used for, but it's about ten feet tall, and the creepiest thing I ever did see. Also hairless, with eyes pointing in opposite directions, which makes it extra creepy.

~

I really need to shower. I'm looking forward to that massage.

I haven't been naked in front of another human being in months and months. I'm a little nervous.

That sounds silly, doesn't it? The girl who loves nude beaches feeling weird about getting naked in front of one masseuse.

Oh well. Buck up, Rosie. You need and deserve this.

.

Rosie.

Before&After