Warning: Mindless ramble ahead...

I'm tired.

My mind is wandering probably for that very reason.

I drew some porn for Dax's birthday.

Saw him at the coffee shop today. Gave him a hug on the way out and he didn't let go. Dax is so snuggly.

Hugged 'creepy' Sean, too (I only use the term because everyone else does and I need to differenciate him with Big Sean and Skinny Sean). Groped his bum and got my left tit squeezed in response.

He did warn me. And i believed him, which is exactly why I grabbed his bum in the first place. Sean is great to flirt with, but would probably not make a good boyfriend. Not for me, anyway.

Talked to Mike last night. I miss him so much. He's taken a job out east for the summer, so I probably won't see him at all. I didn't realize how much I'd miss him.

I thought I'd be over him, y'know? But yeah, I'm not. It still tears me up inside to think about him.

"Kiss the frog," for me he said last night, referring to the little frog with the real gold crown he gave me for our first Christmas together. I said I would, though I didn't tell him the frog is in a box under my bed because it hurts to look at it.

I also put every picture I have of him in that box, and the braid of his hair, and the cut glass viking ship he gave me ("For rememberance," he said before I left).

I was looking through my address book that my friends collectively gave me before I left, and it has all their addresses in it. At the back I found a little note in Mike's ornate, strangely feminate handwriting:

"Note to self: I still like Mike."

I got a little choked up when I read it.

And my mind wanders again, through the shifting plains of my memories.

I pinned threads to my cieling and hung all my crystals from them. In the evening when the sun casts direct light through my window my room is filled with rainbows.

It makes me feel a little better.

"Good for your Fung Shui," Jesslyn said approvingly when she saw them.

And the colours and shapes warp to form something else.

I see the elegant stems and blossoms of my martini glass collection. I'm running out of room for them. Every available space on that shelf is covered.

"I know a lady whose coming back to Nelson from Red Deer this weekend," Mom said when I phoned. "She can take back some of your stuff if you don't want to take in on the bus."

What should I send back?

There's one box I haven't even touched.

Maybe I should send my sewing machine.

No, I hate to be parted from that thing. It's clunky, and old, but it's mine and it's one of my most prized possessions.

The plains shift.

It's really windy outside.

Apparently we're experiencing something called a 'Shanook' or something.

I call it 'that warm thing'.

Tyne calls it 'the big fuck-off cloud arch'.

I'm tired and bored. One of my videos is due back at the library tomorrow.

I can't afford groceries.

I bought bus tickets, but I shouldn't have.

It was too windy to walk.

Mom is giving my fifteen dollars to go to the masked ball with, although stupid Jared pulled out because he couldn't afford it.

Makes me cry.

I'm feeling a little melancholy right now. Comtemplating existance. Realizing how futile our struggles are.

When you look at it, it's really easy to draw parralels between our existance and those of 'mere animals'.

We spend all of our time chasing a mate.

Most of the time it doesn't work.

Obsession, lust, love, attraction, what ever.

Suddenly I don't care much anymore.

I'm thankful for a vivid imagination. I only wish I could transfer what I see to paper. Gods, I'd make a killing if I could do that.

I spend a lot of my time living in my head. It's safer that way.

I like being alone. You may think I'm merely saying that, but it's true.

I've been observing my classmates as of late. They seem to need a lot of social interaction to be happy.

I don't really understand it, but I accept it as a fact.

Perhaps that's why I'm a loner? I'm content to be alone?

There's so much you can accomplish alone. So few complications.

I hate stress.

I'm feeling stressed out right now, due to our next research project I haven't even started.

A call I have to do on Sunday.

The fact that I may have about 200 hours clocked in the shop, but I hardly have any carpendry hours, and I need 22.5 by the end of the term.

My money's running out.

My body is feeling like death due to my diet of steamed mixed greens and orange juice.

That's all good and well, but I'm not eating anything *else*, because I can't afford much else.

And not to say I'm dieting, per say, merely that what I'm eating is simply that.

I hate dieting. I always feel terrible about myself when I do.

And when I don't diet, I'm content.

Go figure.

My eyelids droop. I fear I must end this ramble soon afore I fall asleep on the floor.

I bought an office chair I'm reupholstering.

Why? Because that's our class.

I don't know what material I'm going to use.

I'll have to check my stock material.

(I sound so pathetic.)

Oh well.

Sleep now.

*grunt*

Warning: End of Ramble.

Before&After