I'm...okay. I'm not happy, but I am more at peace, and I'm alive.

The first part was the hardest. Actually seeing him again. I managed to get in to tavern and seated without seeing him, and sat with my back to the food table (he was running food this tavern).

I looked up once and he was standing in front of me, a table over, and he caught me eye. There was such a look of...pity, hurt and kindness, a glimpse of the Paul I know/knew underneath his Public Self, that I barely held it together to get outside to cry.

I made it back inside, a little stronger, but didn't feel like socializing much. But I tried. Eventually Susan said something kind that made me well up again and I invited her outside to the playground for a quick swing (and another cry). We talked a little.

But it was fucking cold. I think the cold helped. We went back inside. I decided not to waste my night and drifted from social group to social group, catching up with all my friends. I admit, I did stare at Paul occasionally, tended to catch myself and force myself not to look.

He was different. I can't say how. I don't know how.

Where once was fierce joy, there is now tired sadness.

Even though Cormac, my roommate, was there tonight, I asked Susan and Kirk to give me a ride home. I know Kirk is good friends with Paul. I had to ask.

Kirk says (and I believe him) that Paul hasn't talked about his reasons for the break up, and Kirk has not asked. I figured if Paul was unhappy *with me* he would have justified himself to Kirk (because truly, though at a bit of a rough spot, our relationship was a good one). But he didn't. Which makes me think more and more the reasons he told me were true.

But I don't know. I daren't hope.

As my boss, Caitlin, told me today: "Accept the fact that you love him, and accept that it's over. If it's meant to be, he'll come around again."

Kirk's opinion on the matter is that Paul is afraid of commitment. I have actually heard that from several people.

Stupid boys.

I wasn't asking him to marry me! All I wanted was a little tail, and someone to play video games with!

Heh. That's supposed to be a joke.

See? I'm trying.

Before&After