One month.

I think it's exactly one month.

I don't want to go into my archives and check, though. Who wants to dwell on this shit, really?

I had a really good day today.

I had a really good day yesterday, too, even though I went to archery and I was expecting him to be there.

He wasn't. Allison suspected it was because he'd just bought a PS3 and wanted to play it. I suspect it was partially because I got angry at him on Wednesday when I called again, looking for the last of my stuff, and told him I would not -- *absolutely not* -- do the exchange at archery.

All our friends are there. I don't want to be thinking about my failed relationship. I don't want to think about how much I miss him, not when I could be having fun and shooting arrows.

No, exchanging of stuff should be done in private, so I can cry in private.

Ideally, then I would go out with friends and forget about Paul.

Stupid boys.

When I called, he had friends over. I think I made him cry with some of the things I said.

I did not say mean things. I did not yell. I cried, and I told him how disappointed I was that our relationship disintegrated, and offered some tips for the next time he breaks up with a girl, to make it cleaner and less painful for her.

By the time he said he had to go, he'd gotten very quiet like he does when he's exceptionally unhappy.

I felt a little bit guilty for making him thus when he had company over, but not enough to apologize, or not do it.

I was going to explode if I didn't get some of the things off my chest.

And now, the only person's happiness I'm looking out for is my own.

Well, and to some degree his. Thus, I don't vocalize all the horrible mean things I could say and kind of want to say.

On that note, I always wonder how people perceive me.

I wonder how Paul perceives me.

Truly, in the end, I don't much care. I'm mostly just curious.

At archery I ended up talking quite a bit with Jude, who Paul has never gotten along with. Naturally, I had always sided with him, and never really talked to her.

But it was a fun conversation. No human is perfect; the most we can do is overlook faults as much as we can and appreciate the rest.

I tried to describe my love of theatre to Jude but she, not really enjoying theatre, movies, or books, did not understand.

I couldn't vocalize it in a way that would make her understand, either, and I doubt I'll ever manage to (she's a lawyer, so she's good at countering arguments).

Anyway!

Enough.

Me and my book, we're to bed.

.

Rosemart the Destroyer.

Before&After