"You know, you could be beautiful--"

My heart drops so hard I can feel the ground vibrate when it hits.

"--if you just took care of yourself. And lost some weight."

"I don't want to talk about this."

"Well, okay, but I'm just saying. You give off a very masculine air. Why can't you be more like Lisa? Lisa is successful and gives of a feminine air."

"I'm going."

I pick up my tea mug and her coffee one and head toward the dish area without looking back.

"Okay, but wait for me, I need to use the bathroom."

I walk outside and up to the farthest, farthest corner of the cafe patio, into the alley. My throat feels hot and thick, wet. My eyes burn. I know they are red now.

I should leave. I want to just leave. But I promised to give her a hand with measuring something at the rental house.

She joins me in a few minutes.

"I'm just saying, Rosie--"

"Don't you think I KNOW that I'm fat?" I spit. "I see myself naked every day."

"Oh Rosie." She tries to hug me. I shove her away.

~

"You know, Sydney's doing really well for herself," my mother begins, not taking her eyes away from her computer. "She's got a great job. She married really well, so she never has to worry. She's got a great husband."

I shove my laundry in the washer and don't respond for a few seconds.

Sydney.

Her face is forever in my memory. My worst bully in middle school. My forever rival. The girl who made my life a living hell for two years.

"That's great," I say, somewhat flatly. "I'm glad she's doing well."

"She really is." A pause. "She's really talented, you know."

I don't respond.

~

At the art school student show and sale. My mother, a student there, chats animatedly with everyone in arm's length.

I wander away, looking at other tables.

"Enjoying it?" The proprietor of the booth looks younger than me, a proper hipster. Her mugs are nice, but could be better, but of course I don't tell her that.

"Yes." I pause. I'm super jetlagged. My social graces aren't up to par. "I'm sorry," I apologize, "I'm super jetlagged. I just came down here with my mother. She's over there--" I poke a thumb over my shoulder.

"Oh. My. God. She's your mother?!" She called over another student, and presents me with both hands. "This is her daughter! Oh my god, you're so lucky. She is, like, the studio shop mom! She's so cool! She helps us with all our projects!"

I hesitate. My jetlagged brain wants me to say shitty things.

Instead I smile. I can feel the bags under my eyes heavy on my cheeks.

"Yes," I say. "She's pretty great."

~

"Hey, hey Rosie--"

My dad comes into the bathroom as I'm snatching fistfuls of toilet paper and furiously blowing my nose.

"Are you upset? Why are you upset?"

I gulp, blow my nose.

"Mom said I was fat and masculine," I tell him.

He snorts, blows air through his lips. "What does she know?"

.

Rosie.

Before&After