Last night I went over to Mike's place to watch...Return of the Jedi? The last one in that trilogy. That one. I went over to his place to watch that one and give him the massage I owed him (I lost a bet to him, dammit! The old guy should have died!).

But...well...he kind of scared me. I was a little uneasy, a bit on edge the entire evening. I'm not really quite sure why. I mean, he really didn't do anything to seriously harm me but he seemed more aggressive than usual and it kind of scared me, because I was almost afraid he would do something to me. Almost. I don't think he would, frankly, but something wasn't quite right, just off enough to make me edgy.

I wonder if it was just my imagination.

I know he tends to be more dominating, he always has, even when we first met, but this was a little out of the ordinary. A few times last night he hurt me. Not badly, definately not enough to bruise, but it hurt, and I don't like beind hurt, even just slightly.

I mean, biting I can handle. That's fine, so long as they're love bites, not vicious bites. Scratching I tend to be able to handle, but I don't have to worry about that really, because he has short, thick fingernails (as opposed to my long, thin ones that can easily draw blood).

But...well...I was kind of frightened.

I don't think he realized what he was doing at all, because generally he's very gentle, firm but gentle, but this was a little reckless.

I know what it's like. I'm sometimes rough with Ditto, and I'm sure he doesn't appreciate it very much. I do love Ditto, I do, but sometimes I'm just intentionally mean towards him. I try very hard never to hurt him but sometimes, sometimes...sometimes something just cracks and something possesses me to hurt those weaker than I am...

I know it's cruel, I do. But everyone has that side to them. Sometimes it's not very prominant, sometimes it's barely existant, but it's always there.

Always.

It's human nature, I believe.

I think that's what happened last night to a small degree.

About twenty minutes before we left his place, it stopped. What ever it was in him ceased to be violent and pressing, and he was just Mike again. Gentle, laughing Mike, snuggled against the curve of my neck.

It was scary though. I think he actually thought very fleetingly of forcing himself on me. Briefly. Maybe. I'm not sure. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about anything right now. I want to forget it.

Forget it. That's the best for fear. Forget it.

.

Rosie.

Before&After