Why am I like this?

I mean, why do I feel this insatiable longing to be with another human being at every waking moment?

Why do I have nightmares about losing this person? Why, when it's never happened in the past?

Why, when I watch the news about the young men off fighting and dying, do I get this sickening dread in the depths of my belly? And when I watch the reports on the families of lost men, do I get this feeling that someday this could be me, too?

Why is this happening?

Why, when it never happened before? Not to Rosie, never to Rosie. Rosie is the stable one, the sensible one, the one who knows, who is, who feels all perfectly levelly, who lives only for herself and only to please herself.

Why am I afraid of the future?

Why, when I thirsted for time to pass more quickly?

Now, I wish I could pause it and live in these moments.

Why does the sight and smell of him cause this surge of positive emotion and sexual urges? Why do I want him to touch me, even if it's just to tuck a stray bit of hair behind my ear?

Why am I, was I, so utterly comfortable on the first day? Why was there a first day? Why did it happen?

Why did we both throw away our personal ruels and regulations to enjoy an uncharacteristic romp that resulted in...this?

Why did I do that?

Where would I be now, if there wasn't that initial day?

Would I still have met him? Would I have? Would I have met him through mutual friends Rye or Curtis, instead of mutual toleration Cory?

Would I have gone to Subway at 4am on New Year's Day to help clean the store?

Would I be depressed now?

Would I be with someone else?

Would I be happy with someone else?

Will we last?

Will we get bored of each other?

Will it happen?

Statistics say it will, but it doesn't have to. Nothing is for sure.

Will I have met the man I will marry on that strange late August day last year?

Will I?

Statistics say no, but what do Statistics know?

Would I have gotten a job so soon without his urging and encouraging?

Would I have done Oz without his assurance?

Would I have read more books without him?

Would I have seen as many movies if I weren't with him?...No. I know the answer to that. I wouldn't have. I usually don't watch movies on my own.

Would I have studied so well for the History exam without his help?

Would I have laughed so much without him?

Would I have stronger bonds with my friends without him?

Would I be a better person without him?

Why am I with him still?

Why do I still want to be with him?

I could answer those last two with a pencil and lots of paper.

Why do I dread moving away from him? Why does he dread moving away from me?

Why are we like this?

Why am I like this?

Why, goddammit?

It doesn't make any fucking sense. Everyone has fallen off their rockers, and I'm no exception.

.

Rosie.

Before&After