Last night when I tried to make a move he said:

"Tomorrow night; I'm tired."

So I said:

"Okay. Tomorrow night."

So tonight I look over to the bed, and he's spread eagled, the blanket draped provocatively and carefully over his naughty bits, with a wicked grin on his face.

Needless to say I was naked and in bed before he could blink again.

But!

But.

Nothing happened.

Nothing.

We poked at each other a bit, kissed a bit, but there was nothing there. Eventually he gave my back a nice scratch, and I checked his back for zits (you know you're a close couple when...) then he started drifting off to sleep.

"So..." I said. "We've kind of lost the spark in our sex life, huh?"

"I don't think so," he said. "I just don't have a very strong sex drive."

"Yeah," I said.

He moved to flip the blanket over me, to go to sleep, but I pulled away and started putting on my bra.

"I'm going to sit up on the computer for a while, I think," I said.

"We can have sex tomorrow," he said. "I'm tired tonight."

"Yeah, I know," I said. "You're always tired, and it's always tomorrow."

I sat down at the computer.

"I hope you don't take it personally," he said. "You're still hot shit."

"Damn rights, I am," I said with vehemence.

"Don't say it if you don't mean it," he said after a moment.

"Oh, I mean it," and I did. "*I* know I'm hot shit, but I can't help it if you don't."

He laughed a bit. "I think you're hot shit."

"Damn straight."

But I don't really know anymore.

I just don't.

I'm not used to men that I can't wrap around my little finger with lust, or at least spark soemthing in, and it's disheartening, really.

I'm finding more and more he's attracted to things that aren't me.

He likes lengerie, not leather.

He likes low-rise panties (which don't look very good on me, because I've got very broad hips, but I wear them anyway).

He likes bustiers that show belly.

I've got a pudgy, shapeless belly.

He likes stockings. I like stockings, but I hardly ever wear them, and I only own one pair, but no garters.

I don't know how to do lengerie, honestly.

I've always seduced men (and women) fully clothed, then been completely naked.

As Eli said once: "Rosie. You're either completely clothed or completely naked. There's really no in between with you."

There isn't. I'm either showing no skin or everything (except at Metal Night, but that's different; that's a costume).

I dunno. I'm just disheartened.

I try to understand. I know he's tired, and he's worn out by his work, but why doesn't he come to bed earlier, then?

Why doesn't he try to start things?

Why doesn't me move when I play with his bits, instead of just laying there with a stunned expression on his face?

I feel like crying. I feel like crying a lot lately.

I don't know. I don't know anything.

Men, if you ever date me, make sure your sex drive is revved up.

And also, if I leave the bed, I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.

Seriously. It's a little test, to see if you come after me.

Remember my post a couple days ago, about doing self-destructive things?

Staying awake is one of them, even if I have to work in the morning.

I just want my significant other to care enough to get out of bed as well and ask me to come to bed.

I suppose I should say something, but that's not the point. I want him to do it spontaniously. The point is ruined by saying something.

You know, I really try to let the whole sex thing go, but it's really, really hard. I try to understand and be logical, but seriously. I have a really, really hard time.

As Loren said, I try not to take it personally, but even so.

It's everything. The lack of sex, the lack of money, the weight gained (I'm up to 200 pounds now, shit!).

I've started eating better. Apples and cottage cheese for breakfast instead of eggos. And doing half hour of light excercise, and see if that helps. It's mostly just crunches and position holding and stretching, but it's better than nothing.

Ah. Bugger.

I don't know. I'm not entirely happy, though I try to be. I'm always busy doing nothing.

BAH.

Fuck this. Maybe I'll apply to the cruise ships and get out of here.

.

Rosie.

Before&After