I'm prolonging going to bed.

I hate the transition.

My mind works overdrive when there's no other stimuli to any of my other senses.

And that's Bad.

I never got a call from Loren. I hope he's okay.

I'm tired. I'm tired and cold and my eyes feel like lead.

I should go to bed soon.

It still hurts to pee. Stupid infection. But that's because I forgot about my medication, and then realized I hadn't been taking enough. I started again today, and hopefully this thing'll clear up.

Yay! I'm all fucked up.

It's like Good. Only Bad.

I checked my schedual today. I don't have any classes on Thursdays. That means Tyne won't either. That means we can stay out at Metal Night later than usual.

I like that.

This break hasn't been a good one.

I mean, it has, and it hasn't, but the good things have triggered bad things, and I don't like that.

It's all just a big mess.

Maybe I should run away. Go live in Victoria. Crash on Dustin's couch for a couple weeks and get messed on cocktails in some gay bar with him, hit on drunk girls, get my lip pierced twice and chop all my hair off.

Just run away from it all.

I passed Theatre History. Good. I got a D. The first D I ever got. I'm not surprised, though. I'm just glad I passed.

Normally I get A's and B's.

This term I got B's and C's.

I'm really in a bad place.

I wonder if people see it?

Am I really that fucked up? Sometimes I think I am, but don't crazy people think they're sane?

Maybe I'm sane, I just don't realize it.

Maybe I'm just typing because I'm prolonging going to bed. Probably. I wish Loren were here.

He shuts my brain off.

No, no, that's a good thing. When we're in bed, going to sleep.

It's very sweet.

He sleeps on his back, so he pulls a corner of the pillow onto his shoulder for my head, and I toss an arm across his middle (and a leg across his, sometimes, if I'm not on my rag) and then he just strokes my hair.

Just gently runs his fingertips through my hairline.

It puts me to sleep like nobody's business.

Ten minutes, max.

There've been very few times it hasn't worked, usually because I was restless or not tired.

But just gently...It's lovely.

My mom says I spend too much time with Loren. She wants Quality Family Time.

I. Hate. Quality. Family. Time.

It's always so miserable.

My mother wants us all to go out and have a good time together.

Only problem is, this family spawned a bunch of very different people.

My little brother is a money snatching male version of a pink.

My dad is a space-case with a brain for science and an eye for bad fashion.

My mother is a contradictory primary school teacher with a brain for female logic, a nasty temper with an unfortunately quick mouth.

I'm a open-minded theatre geek with an affinity towars shiny things and all things artsy.

How the hell are we supposed to agree on anything, much less have fun?

I remember this summer we spent a good two hours trying to decide on a restaurant in town to go to.

Two. Hours.

It fucking sucked.

I was just reading the emails I sent off to Ryan and Tyne.

Short. Clipped. To the point.

I didn't feel like talking more.

I don't really feel like talking now.

I should go. I wish Loren were back. But he's off having Quality Family Time with his family.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

.

Rosie.

PS, I think I should out of my apartment, but I don't think I can.

Before&After