Sometimes I feel that Loren and my relationship is slowing into a sluggish nowhere.

We haven't had sex in almost three weeks. I've stopped caring.

And I hate that I've stopped caring, but on the other hand, it's like battering myself against a brick wall in hopes that I'll knock it down.

It's so satisfying to knock it down, but it takes so much work I hardly ever manage to do it. After a while I'm just bruised and tired and the worse for wear.

Most of the time I have to be asked to be slipped the tongue.

Sex is never spontanious anymore. It's planned. Usually when it comes right down to it one of us gets too tired because it's left until way too late at night.

I don't want to leave Loren; I don't want to get more unhappy.

Fuckin' choices.

I feel like I'm living in limbo. I've been shaking off social engagements and not leaving the house, except for a quick trip to the grocery store around the corner.

I don't do anything. Not really.

I paint. I do some laundry. I plan dinner. I work on my book a little bit.

It sounds like something, but it's not, really. I smell bad. I haven't showered in ages. At least I brush my teeth and hair, and put on clean clothes.

I've run out of clean socks.

I put on deoderant when other people are around.

I've seen Candace once in past two or three weeks. I don't have many close friends anymore, and no one phones me really.

I am finding, however, that I quite enjoy talking to Janette on the phone, as well as in person.

That doesn't often happen.

It's nice, though. She listens when I talk, and I listen when she talks, like it's supposed to go.

I wish I had a place I could go for a week without any contact to other people, just to clear my head.

In high school I used to hole myself up in my room when I was feeling socially overwhelmed. I'd do that for a week, and then come out feeling refreshed and ready to face the world again.

I think because I haven't been able to do that I'm feeling squished.

I want to move to New Zealand, among other places.

Damn, why did I have to get a boyfriend I liked so?

Damn it, damn him, damn me.

Damn this Conservative government.

I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm depressed and I'm of tons of 'Yes, but--' and 'Not now, later--'.

I just want to go back to the dream where I was a robot lusting after the security chief, and finding out the world isn't as an awful place as I'd thought. I've been trying to get back to that dream by thinking about it heavily before I go to sleep, but so far no luck.

Who knows?

Maybe my reality will shift tonight and I'll wake up as a 5'6 slender robot who lives in a cramped, bare apartment and works in a little booth in the mall selling knick-knacks to teenage girls and tourists. A robot who has amazing sex with young Sean Connery look-a-likes.

Wouldn't that be something?

Good night.

.

Rosie.

Before&After