It's going to be okay.

So I found out today, shortly after writing my last journal entry, that I didn't get the contract in Nelson.

Sigh.

I felt like a hug or a strong drink, except Paul is in Edmonton, Tyne is in Las Vegas, Stew the Bunny doesn't appreciate being hugged, and Pavlov the Fish even less so. As for liquor, all I have is creme de menthe, and seriously, drinking that straight is like drinking mouthwash (good on ice cream, though).

I texted Paul saying I hadn't gotten the contract, and then went to paint and watch a movie. When I came back to my computer, he'd managed to get on a computer and had left a couple MSN messages, expressing his sympathy and promising a hug when he got back to town.

Then...well, I started thinking about Loren.

I am doubtful of Paul, because I have not yet fully healed from Loren.

I am healing. But it hurts still. It feels raw, sensitive.

I can only handle Paul because he treats me gently. He isn't demanding. He's confusing, sure, but he does not pressure.

Part of my post-breakup wound tore open a little tonight, and I'm not sure why. I feel extra sensitive.

I almost texted Loren tonight.

What good would it do?

All it would do is tear this wound open a little farther, and that's the last thing I want to do.

Why does it hurt, anyway? I'm the one that left.

I am working all next week, and then a couple days the week after. I will have money again.

I will head up to the comic store on 17th and buy a Smurf for Paul. I think he will like that.

Since I was feeling bad, I watched Grease 2 again (yes, shut up). I realized that two of my favorite feeling-bad movies (Grease 2 and Cry Baby) both feature leather wearing biker-boys.

Maybe that's why seeing Paul in his biking gear makes me weak in the knees.

Enough, enough about boys.

Nothing good comes from boys (including babies).

Stupid boys.

.

Rosie.

Before&After