I am so pathetic.

Every morning I wake up with the dawning realization I will never kiss him again.

Just a week before he broke up with me, we had spent the day together, then went back to his place and to bed. While we were in bed, I realized I hadn't kissed him all day (he's not one for *any* form of public affection, and we'd spent most of the day out and about).

I expressed my depression over this fact, so he got out of bed, brushed his teeth (he hadn't been feeling well), and came back to bed and kissed me.

But now I have to face a forever of not kissing him.

Not to say I'm going to pine away and kill myself over it. That's stupid.

But right now...that's a very, very depressing thought.

He just logged on to MSN again. I noticed he changed his picture from my favorite picture of him, to a picture of Trogdor.

And I feel another thread of hope snapping.

I so badly want to talk to him, but I daren't. I can't handle it.

Oh, gods, I miss him, and I can't tell him how much I miss him without being the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

I just want it to hurt less. It doesn't help that we're in tech weekend right now. It's the toughest weekend of the month, and always puts me in a bad mood. Before I'd give Paul a call, or go over to his place, and just being around him put me in a better mood.

I was doing okay before I knew he was back in town. I was going for full ten minutes without thinking about him.

Now, not so much.

It didn't help that today at work, after spending all day patching and hemming and grommetting two enormous red drapes for the show (they were pieces of shit bits of shredded fabric before, now they're just kind of crappy curtains), my boss told me they looked like crap (because of some seams I can do nothing about) and wants me to regrommet them in the other direction (even though we'll lose several feet of fullness, and we don't have a lot to spare).

I just couldn't deal with it and went home. It was the end of the day anyway.

I hate it when she tells me I can go home at a certain time, and then keeps making me work and work and work.

In short, I feel miserable, and I don't know how to fix it.

I want to get over Paul, but I don't know how.

I want Paul back, but I don't know how to go about that either without being desperate and crazy.

So I'm doing nothing.

And I'm still miserable.

.

Rosie.

Before&After