I have a tentative grip on my self/sanity for the moment. I dare not delve too far into the reasons, because I'm afraid I'll talk myself out of this sense of security. It mostly stemmed from the long talk he and I had, plus some comments my friend Janette emailed me about the whole situation. The one that struck me was: You can give blood without bleeding to death. That's part of what I'm seeing in Paul. I feel like I'm watching him bleed to death, giving to his family, the SCA, his friends, me (until recently), and he doesn't know how to stop the flow. No, he has an inkling, which is one of the reasons why he broke up with me. He was trying to staunch the one flow he knew how to control. But that is only a fraction of the whole mess of issues. I don't want to fixate, I'm trying hard not to fixate (not working so well), in case I obsess unhealthily. More unhealthily. As Paul said: "It can never go back to the way it was. I won't just get over this and we'll go on as if nothing happened." I thought about it a lot, and he's entirely right. It won't go back to the way it was, because that way obviously didn't work. If I ever get the chance, I would like to build something new with him. Something different, that works for both of us. I don't want him to bleed himself dry. So for now, I will stand back and let him deal with this himself. If he wants my help, I will help, but I don't think he will. I will avoid all pressure on him. I will not guilt. I will not crowd. I told him I missed talking to him, and he should keep calling. He told me to keep calling, too. But I won't. Well, I won't as much as I did when we were dating. Maybe I'll invite him out for coffee next week, if he'll still in town. No. I can't plan this. I can't. Less planning means less pressure. I must focus on myself for the moment. I must make sure I stay on my feet, with my heart in my hand, and not kicking about the floor somewhere like it has been lately. ...I don't know how often it's appropriate to phone now that we're not dating. As a general rule, I don't phone any of my friends often, but... ...my day feels so incomplete without hearing his voice... ...and I know I have to get over that... . Rosie.
Before&After
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