My fingers were stupid today.

I was trotting around Facebook, and before I could think about it they had typed Paul's name into the search and pressed enter.

I cried for the first time in over a month.

I just want him OUT of my head and OUT of my heart.

How could a short six month relationship have this much of a hold over me?

Fuck it. Fuck him.

I don't know what to do. Being miserable won't win him back. But how do I be happy? How do I look on the bright side of this?

I've tried. I've thought about all his failing and his down sides. But with all the down sides come the up sides as well. All the nice things he ever did for me.

I don't know what went wrong. I still don't know. I don't know that he knows, either.

Having been the one to step into his element, and not vice versa, I feel very isolated from everyone we used to hang out with.

I know Allison and Donut are over at his place today, probably playing Guitar Hero and building armor, as they usually do.

I never did either thing, but I enjoyed the company. I miss hanging out with Paul, and Allison, and Donut.

I don't want to miss Paul. I desperately don't.

I want to believe him that he plans to stay single, but I don't. I really, really don't believe him, even a little bit. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd found someone else already.

I'd be totally hurt, yes, but not surprised.

Why does it take me so long to get over heartbreak? My mother scorned me for being hurt that Loren got a new girlfriend a six months after we broke up.

I didn't heal properly until a full year after we'd broken up. I hadn't healed when Paul and I became involved, which is one reason I almost ran like hell from Paul. But I thought Paul was a Good Thing and decided to risk.

Boy, was *that* a mistake.

I feel like throwing up.

.

Rosie.

Before&After