He is over me, and I am not over him. I wish I could switch my emotion off.

He acts so strangely around me.

Archery last night:

I would not avoid archery because he was there, but on the other hand I wasn't about to go shooting at the same targets as him (I shot downstairs, he shot upstairs).

Just because I am not going to avoid places he goes, doesn't mean I need to unduly torture myself by staying in his immediate presence.

Anyway.

A lot of my friends were shooting upstairs (there were a lot of mundanes shooting compound bows downstairs), so at one point I went upstairs to say hello to Susan and the lot.

Scene: About three of us, standing well behind the lines, chatting.

Paul is in the room. I know exactly where he is, because I can't help but know. I ignore him. He is no longer my business.

The group of us are chatting. I don't remember about what. Regular junk.

Paul wanders over to the line, but I know he sees me. (Just as a note, I was in pretty fine form. I felt like being pretty that night, but for myself, not for him.) He has that energy about him that feels like although he appears to be looking at the line, he's paying attention to our group. You know what I mean?

Anyway, he wanders 'casually' over to us and joins the conversation.

I don't tell him to fuck off. Neither to I talk or look directly at him. That's too painful.

Like hell I was going to leave a conversation with my friends just because Paul pushed his way into it. But like hell I was going to cheerfully include him.

So I keep chatting with the group, but I never look directly at Paul. I can see him vaguely out of the corner of my eye...

...and he keeps glancing at me. Repeatedly. Little flicking glances. Way more often than your regular round-the-group-glance.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Seriously.

What does he want from me? Because he's not getting anything more from me.

Susan thinks he wants to let me know he's sorry for causing me pain.

I don't know. She's probably right.

Later, Paul had left, and I was saying my goodbyes. Thorgeir asked quietly if Paul and I were still together. I shook my head, because I felt immediately like crying. Susan gave me a hug and told me it would be alright, and then I *did* start crying, and had to excuse myself to the bathroom really fast.

Thorgeir apparently felt really bad because he thought he had made me cry. Susan corrected him in saying that *Paul* had made me cry. Which is true.

And tonight, birthday party for Ian. Crowd of SCAdians. Paul comes up in conversation, and I say how much like an 18 year old Paul is.

Shane hugs me and tells me I'll find someone infinitely better. Although I knew he was right, I started to cry, and again had to quickly excuse myself to the bathroom. As at archery, I cried for a few seconds, just to relieve the tension, then splashed my face with cold water, waited for my eyes to stop being red, and returned.

When I returned, I laughed a bit and said lightly that, "Paul may be over me, but I'm not over him."

"Well, *that's* pretty obvious," Shane said, though not meanly, and gave me a hug.

This has been a weird relationship.

I may move. I may not. I may go completely crazy and kill Paul and eat his spleen with some fava beans and a nice wine.

Y'know. What ever.

And I'm drunk, and going to bed.

Peace out, home-slices.

.

Rosie.

Before&After