I am feeling particularly alone today, for reasons I cannot quite pinpoint.

I like being alone. I mean, not all the time, but I value my solitude and my privacy.

I have a hard time focusing, I find. My mind is pulled in a million different directions, different concerns.

The most I feel like I can do is spend each day, each conscious waking moment just putting one foot in front of the other, literally or metaphorically.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a storm, the wind and the rain and the advertisements tearing me in every direction.

It is all I can do to resist everything and stay on my path. One foot in front of the other.

It does not leave a lot of energy for anything else, which is probably why I like staying in my house a lot. I know things here, and I can control my environment a lot better than I can outside.

But it is lonely here, too. My own brain talking to my own brain will set it in circles that spiral the drain of depression.

It is not healthy, I know. That's why I have friends who kick me out of that spiral.

Sometimes it does not happen often enough.

I watched 'Waitress' today. It's got Nathan Fillion in it, which is why I watched it. I like him as an actor; he has fantastic comedic timing.

There was one scene in which he shows up at the main character's house, and after a brief awkward conversation, holds her for twenty minutes.

It made me cry, and I'm not sure it was supposed to.

I've been kind of sitting on the edge of crying since. It's ridiculous.

I'm not even PMSing!

I still feel like crying, though.

Well, mostly I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right.

Even though I know it will be, sometimes I just need to hear it from someone else, too.

...aaaand I just found an email from my ex inviting me to his and his girlfriend's Halloween party.

I'm going to pretend I didn't see that.

Why the hell would he invite me?

Have I done anything in the past two years that has given him any indication I've forgiven him?

I don't even make eye contact unless I absolutely have to, much less talk to him. I have avoiding him down to an art.

My universe is better off if he doesn't exist.

Ugh. My head hurts.

I'm chatting with G on Facebook. He is not helping my mood.

"Saw some new pics of you with a couple of young hotties"

What the hell is that? I had to check back in my tagged history to find the picture he was referencing. It was a picture from college, some four and half years ago, my last day there, saying goodbye to a couple friends.

He then proceeded to ask me whether I still talk to them, etc.

What. The. Hell?

Honestly.

He is not a dating man, that I can be sure of. He is a fucking man. He complains when 'women use him for sex', but the blame goes two ways here. He doesn't have to say yes every time a woman throws herself at him.

I need to go to the post office and mail some shit. Maybe I'll go to the thrift store and look for more jars for organizing my baking cupboard.

Thrift store shopping always makes me feel better, even if I don't buy anything. I wish there were more thrift stores near my house.

But! But tomorrow Mark and I will be going thrift store shopping, then back to his place for beer drinkin' and foodstuffs.

Why can't I love Mark the way he loves me?

Later on I will tune up my bike. It's getting squeaky.

.

Rosie.

PS, Hey fivethree. Thanks for your nice words. They made my day a little better. And next time, just for you, I'll try to be a little more eloquent, instead of emotionally vomiting all over Diaryland. ;)

Before&After