Of their own accord, my fingers type his beloved name into the computer, and his face pops up.
His stupid, stupid face.
I miss it so hard, sometimes I think my heart will claw its way out of my mouth, just to go find him.
I'm listening to stupid love songs.
They make me cry on the inside, but my eyes are stone dry.
I want to weep into the stupid mailbox.
When I found out, the other day, that I didn't get the job I really wanted on my favorite musical, I politely excused myself, citing a trip down to the storage room under the theatre.
There's a little hallway on the way, a tiny staircase, with butter yellow walls and concrete steps. There I sat and cried, the heels of my hands pressed into my eye sockets.
I cried until I could taste salt in my throat, and my face was red and puffy.
Then I quietly got up, went down to the storage room, and sat on folded packing blankets and cried again.
If I were still talking to G, I would have called him then. I would have cried on the phone, and he would have told me I was wonderful, and I would have believed him.
It took every ounce of willpower not to call him.
~
"You pull me," he told me. I had been teasing him, and he was getting sad. He usually gets sad when he's seriously trying to articulate himself and I'm teasing him too much.
"It's my ass, isn't it?" I say, twisting around to look at the offending area. "I knew it!"
"No, no," he says, "it's--"
"It's my beautiful face!" I counter. I'm not sure I want to hear his words. "My beautiful face brings all the boys to the yard."
He's getting sadder, and presses a hand over my heart. "It's this that pulls me. It feels like...it feels like a rope pulling me around."
I feel like if I just started walking, I could follow the pull in my heart, and find him where ever he is.
~
I still feel the curve of his cheek, the coarseness of his stubble, the warmth of the smooth dark skin.
I'm drunk, and my shoulders hurt from archery practice.
I just heard my roommate come in, from Robbie Burns' night. He's drunk. I can tell. He's stumbling about. This is funny to me, because this is the only night of the year he gets stumbling drunk.