"Ew, they're kissing!"

~

The play is open. I was on edge.

I snapped at Fergus. He deserved it, though perhaps I was a little too sharp.

He caught me at a sensitive time in a sensitive place. Words can cut so deep.

Kelly apologized for him, but I'm still kinda pissed.

That man needs to learn to think before he speaks.

~

I went to the Hat.

Colin picked me up in the wee hours on Saturday and he, his girlfriend, and I went to the Hat.

Medieval thing, you see.

I've been flirting with this boy over the internets. Lets call him...T.

Freshly single. Within the last six months. Sweet man, nice man.

More importantly, stable man. Kind man. Paient man.

And I'm not allowed to date assholes anymore, so I've been tilting my hat at T.

~

"What are you talking about? They are kiss--"

~

Medieval thing.

It was good. I wore my old rags.

Saw T. Down the hallway first. He went in for a hug. Nobody goes in for a hug.

That is to say, I have boundries. I have personal space. I make a point of telling people I don't like hugs, because I don't.

They give me the willies. Strangers and near strangers that close to my body, to my sexual organs.

T leans down for a hug and slips by all my guards, and I find myself close to trembling in his arms.

I like it.

"Hey," he says. "Nice drive?"

I don't know the words I'm saying, but I see the myself reflected in his eyes.

~

I see him around. He can't stay away.

His hands are shaking as they touch my shoulders, but his words are confident.

He sits down next to me. I'm doing some sewing, the thick linen thread twisted around my hands.

He sighs, presses his cheek against my shoulder.

And I think: Oh no. Oh no.

Not another sub.

PLEASE not another sub.

I need a strong man. I need a confident man. I need a man who knows himself, who is not dependant on me.

He takes his cheek away quickly and leaves my shoulders cold.

~

"Come on," Ner says, tossing my clothes into my backpack and zipping it up.

"Hey, now!" I protest, albeit weakly. It's the middle of the night, and I've been drinking.

"What's going on?" One of the older guys pops his head in through the door.

"We're taking her to T's house," Ner exclaims.

"They are?" The fellow looks at me and I blush and hide my face.

What do I say?

~

It was chaos. End of the night, everybody packing up.

"Come on," Colin says. "We gotta get back to the hotel."

I sigh. I know that means I need to leave this long hug.

"Five more minutes," a voice above me says. I can hear his voice through his chest.

His hands aren't shaking anymore.

"WE'RE SATTELITES!" one of the kids yells and starts circling the two of us. Another kid notices, thinks this is delightful, and joins in.

"Come on," Colin says. "You said five minutes, five minutes ago."

"I had better go," I say reluctantly, looking up into his face.

He looks down at me, lips quirked in what he probably hopes is rakish, but just looks nervous.

His eyes are calm, though, like a cat's.

He crooks his finger at me, although I am nearly as close to him as two people can be.

Tiptoes. I have to go up on my tiptoes to kiss him.

You know how often, as a 5'10" woman, that happens?

Never.

Tiptoes.

He's a good kisser.

He's a damn good kisser. Just moist enough, just enough tongue.

"Come on, Rosie!"

"Robyn, shush, they're kissing!"

"They're not kiss--oh eeeeeeeeew!"

"Stop talking, they're trying to kiss!"

I'm trying not to smile. The voices barely lift out of the din.

His hand on the back of my head, gentle but firm. I am so unbelievably glad I washed my hair the night before. It's at the peak of it's beauty, right then, with a man's fingers woven in it.

To soon, I have to go.

I kiss him once more for luck.

~

Guess what?

This weekend I kissed a boy.

Or he kissed me.

I don't know, but either way, my stomach feels like it has helium in it.

.

Rosie.

Before&After