I want to cry. I really, really do. But I can't. It was almost a relief today when my mother got mad at me for something and made me cry.

Of course, then I felt worse than I originally did, because there was all that that she was getting mad at me for...not that I can remember what it is anymore.

Now, on top of it all, I unintentionally offended a very good friend. I said I didn't want to go to the movies, then, at the last minute, I realized my dad was going and so went with him(I thoroughly enjoy going to the movies with him, any movie). And friend found out and was offended, and now I feel bad.

And so I went to pantomime practice feeling depressed. But the day had started all right. My cat shit in my room and I had to clean it up, including the clothes he shit on. I love my cat dispite that.

Right. That's what my mother was getting mad at me for. I was cleaning it up and she was hovering over my shoulder, snapping, almost yelling, at me if I did something that wasn't /exactly/ to her liking. I ended up scrubbing everything I had touched with bleach and throwing the rag out afterwards. Thanks, Mom. I needed to wake up to that.

Anyway...where was I...Oh. Right. Pantomime. So I go to pantomime practice and I try -- I really try -- but I'm having trouble focusing and being the stupid/happy character I play. After lots of line running, and missing two or three cues, the director got mad at me. I know she was trying to direct it to everyone (and some of it was), but I could tell she was irritated at me.

I'm so depressed, and I still can't cry. My older brother is in the room, and I dare not cry in front of him.

I'm trying to be happy. I'm so trying. But I can't. It's too hard. It takes too much effort.

Maybe I'll just lay down and die somewhere. Right now, I don't think many people would care.

Rosie, Trying to Rise Out of a Deep Blue Funk.

Before&After