I haven't been sleeping well lately.

Reece quit yesterday. Gave his two weeks notice. It makes me sad, because I really liked working with him, but I understand why he quit.

Every time I fall asleep I see images of war, with ever soldier having Mike's face.

I have a very over active imagination, which is a curse as much as it's a blessing.

I see him dying over and over again, and I see the man coming to the door to give me his condolances, and I cry and cry and cry.

Or I see him just stop answering my letters, and I see his mom phone me up after a month and tell me, in her raspy voice, that he'd been captured.

I see images of any movie or clip of anything war-like that I've seen recently, running and rerunning over and over.

So I go to bed late and wake up early.

Normally I function on 10 hours sleep, but right now I'm down to 6 or 7. If I sleep past my 'deep sleep' stage, I'll start dreaming, and I dread that.

I've got big purple rings under my eyes and am extra moody, on the verge of my period.

I make sure I'm extra tired before I go to bed, and set my alarm clock, just to be sure.

I woke up well before my alarm clock today, because I started dreaming.

That's why I'm up before noon.

If/when I go tell Mike why I'm not sleeping well, he'll just laugh lightly and hug me and tell me not to worry because he's going to draft dodge if he has to.

But I still can't help thinking about it.

I've stopped watching the news. I get all my news from Mike in short form. How many casualties, how many people have died in friendly fire, how many troops have surrendered, how many more helicopters have crashed.

And I think: each of those men/women have a family. They have a family. And someone will have to tell them.

Someone will have to tell them that their husband, brother, father, sister, daughter, has been killed in action.

Why all this pain?

I just don't understand.

Before&After