I am Not Very Happy with Loren at the moment.

The details aren't suitable for here, because we both know people who read this, but I'm still going to post.

I feel kind of...numb at the moment. Does that sound strange?

It does to me. I feel like I should be really angry, but I'm not really angry at all.

Mostly I'm just sad and hurt and doubting myself.

I was dumb, though. When said event went down, and after I got off the phone, I wasn't on the happy scale. I cried a little bit, then Colleen phoned.

I wasn't in a good mood to talk, so I hung up pretty quick.

Then I went back to the theatre and went through the motions.

I was still hurting when I got back, so I sat in Tyne's room (after telling her) and we drank.

And drank.

I drank.

I should *not* drink when I'm unhappy. I've already determined this. I was dumb. I was not thinking rationally.

And it was a SUNDAY NIGHT.

But I drank.

Then I did another stupid thing and phoned Loren before I went to bed. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings, because I don't remember the conversation so well. I don't think I said anything intentional.

I woke up in a snap at 6:30am. 6:30AM.

I woke up with dry mouth that usually comes from drinking, so I went to the fridge and drank nearly all the rest of my orange juice.

Not such a good idea.

I mean, it *was* a good idea, judging by how I usually react to liquor and liquids, but I was feeling queasy.

I laid in bed for half an hour, then flicked on the tv. Watched some early morning crap, then staggered down to the dorm hall to buy an apple juice which I drank pretty quick.

I felt better.

For a while.

Then it all came back up.

I haven't thrown up in YEARS.

But I did. I tossed up all the juice I'd drank.

It didn't feel so good. I'm glad it was only juice, though.

Top off that, I started my period this morning, too.

I was scared to take painkillers (the cramps started hard and fast) because I wasn't sure whether I'd throw them up again.

I waited a while before I took them and it was fine.

I picked up some bottled water, too, on my way to the theatre, and felt better after I drank it. I was able to eat food by the afternoon, and I didn't feel even the least hungover. (Normally my thoughts are cloudy and I'm slow and clumsy when I'm hungover, but I don't throw up. This time was the opposite. Which was good, because I could work from the floor and just do the paper work while others hung.)

So I was stupid. But stupidity happens.

Aah, life.

And I keep trying to phone him, but he's never, ever home. The only time I get to talk to him is like, 1am, when he comes home from where ever he is.

I mean, I'm happy that he's working and socializing, but I miss him terribly, and I want to talk to him when I'm awake, not while I'm asleep.

Fucking school, taking up all my time.

I feel miserable and kind of inadequate, which isn't a feeling I like at all.

I wish I were back in Nelson, on fimiliar turf, where *I* know the backroads and the woods and where no one can sneak up on me when I'm not prepared.

.

Rosie.

Before&After