While sitting at the computer I was thrown off center again.

I don't know why.

It's dumb. This year's been really hard for me, and I don't really know why.

I've lost myself, and the edges of my identity have blurred.

Ian's right. I've been struggling a lot with lonliness, and that makes me depressed a lot of the time (though most of the time I don't actually realize it).

I'm without direction at the moment. A spinning compass needle. I don't know what I'm doing after I finish school.

I've been working out inadequicy(sp?) issues as well, something I've rarely had to deal with before.

Because face it, I'M GREAT!

At least...that's my outlook most of the time.

This school year it's been tough. Really tough. I've been having problems with school, too.

I feel like they think I'm going to fail, like they're horribly dissapointed parents.

I don't know.

Maybe it's dumb.

People don't like depressed people, so I'm trying to snap out of it.

What was so different about last year that made it so great?

Well, I spent a *lot* more of my time by myself, which I've always liked. I like quiet. I like the sort of medititave solitude that I got last year a lot.

Not to say my roommates weren't social and friendly, but I spent a lot of my time quietly on my old computer.

I wonder if Ryan ever got my old beast to work. We'll hafta see.

Maybe I'm just moody because I got my period a couple days ago. My period affects my mood more than I like to admit.

Last year, too, I spent a lot of my time exploring. Just on foot. I'd go downtown and wander in a straight line and then back again. It was fun. I window shopped and looked in pawn shops.

Last year I didn't have to worry about money.

Fuck. People aren't supposed to cry on Christmas.

I hate Christmas.

Well, technically, I hate Christmas dinner.

I'm the only girl there. It's been like that as long as I can remember. So I sit by myself most of the time. I don't identify with most of the boys that show up, and I've known them all since we were born so they're Not Flirting Material.

I usually spend Christmas dinner on the couch in the old livingroom up at the Inksters, with a book.

It's lonely and cold.

Loren'll be there this year, but he'll probably go off with the other boys.

I wish our Christmas dinner was with Chelsea and Cassie's family. They have all girls, and us girls always pee ourselves laughing when we get together.

Oh well.

I better go. I think Loren's here.

.

Rosie.

Before&After