So Loren came to visit, to bring me the rest of my stuff.

It was fun. I mean, I don't think we kissed the whole time, and didn't really fool around.

He tried to start something, but it didn't feel right, so I got him to stop.

"What's up?" he asked later, in the car.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, did you just not want to fool around THEN, or do you not want to fool around period?"

"I don't know."

"I'm just trying to figure out where we stand."

"Well, I don't want to start something, because honestly, I don't see us getting back together any time soon and I don't want to fall for you again."

"Oh. Okay."

And then we spent a pleasant few days together. Everything was just like when we were together, but no kissing, no sex.

It was odd. It was nice. Everything kind of hurts inside now, but in a gentler, more drawn out sort of way. Like my heart is bleeding, but I managed to keep it getting ripped out and tossed to the pavement.

Nothing is going to heal this but time.

I like to think I'm a pretty together girl, but I don't think anything is going to help this.

I could rebound, I suppose. Who the fuck wants that, though? I'm trying hard not to rebound on people around me, and it's working alright so far.

I'm listening to a lot of Hedwig right now (specifically Wicked Little Town and Wig in a Box), a bit of Rent, a bit of Nine Inch Nails, a bit of Stabbing Wesward.

All nice breakup music, I think.

Well, nice in the wallowing-in-self-pity way.

I hope Loren is doing okay. I imagine he's doing about as well as I'm doing.

Painful and silent.

I wish I had a good friend here to drink with, or watch bad movies with, or play Puzzle Pirates with.

Or, you know, cry on or something.

I could go drinking with Mike again, but he's very much like Diet Creepy Chris. I don't know how else to put it. I'm more comfortable with Mike in a group. Same with DC Chris. Not to say either of them are annoying or peculiar (well, maybe a little), but...they're just a lot to handle one on one.

When it comes down to it, unless I'm challanged, I have a pretty gentle personality that gets pretty easily bowled over by people with louder, cockier personalities.

Or maybe I just secretly don't like those type of people so I keep my trap shut. ;)

No, no. I have plenty loud, cocky friends, but I'm friends with them, not their egos.

It's hard to get to know new people when all you see and know are their egoes.

~

On an unrelated note, tonight I was lonely so I went to the pub by myself.

I sat upstairs, at a table by myself, with my sketchbook and my earphones, and drew until my table was invaded by a large group, who crammed me in the corner and then introduced themselves.

They weren't very interesting.

I left when I finished my beer (yeah, I was drinking beer; it was cheap).

I was hoping to run into an aquaintance (any aquaintance), but nada. I didn't stay long, though.

Then I stopped at the Mac store on the way home, picked up ice cream and cheezies (comfort food), and trucked on home.

That's right. To watch bad romantic comedies and eat ice cream and cheezies.

Well, I ate some ice cream (it was a risk type), and it was kind of lousy, so I shoved it in the freezer.

Then I ate some cheezies and idly read the back, found out how many calories were in that tiny packet, and quickly stopped.

So I heated up Loren's left overs from when we went to dinner, and tried eating them. I found out all I wanted was the protein and so ate all the meat from the middle of the sandwich and tossed the rest.

Then I watched 'Must Love Dogs' and 'She's All That' (yes, shut up).

Now, it's three thirty in the morning and I'm talking to Jared on MSN about relationship shit.

Man, I am a little pussy.

I think I'm going to end this entry.

.

Rosie.

Before&After