Love fucking sucks.

If this what heartbreak is, I never want to fall in love again. Or never want to have my heart broken again.

I don't know what I want anymore.

At night, when I can't sleep, I still pretend I'm on Loren's shoulder, with him stroking my hair. That always used to put me to sleep. Now it just makes me cry, so I'm trying to break myself of the habit.

It doesn't help matters that the only pillowcase I own is one we used to share. I've thought about mailing it back to him, but it wouldn't help anything.

There are so many things I want to say, but nothing would help anymore. I can't move back to Nelson any more than Loren could move to Calgary.

Sometimes I get angry at Loren for not trying to save money to move. But I know that anger is just a cheap and easy cover for hurt.

As Tyne would say, as she shook me: If he loved you that much, he would be here, sleeping in your bed beside you.

I think that's the biggest hurt. I wanted him to love me more than I think he did. I always hoped he did, I tried to believe he did, even though I almost always felt second to something.

I always felt like there was a closed off part of Loren that I really wanted to know, but he wouldn't open it. It frustrated me.

I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

It's not healthy for me to sit here every day, by myself. I wish I was working more. I wonder why I'm not? Have I pissed someone off?

I don't know. I don't know anything.

O, beware, my lord, of jealousy; it is the green-ey'd monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.

*sighs*

I am not, by nature, a jealous person. I also like to think that I'm not by nature a tearful person.

Loren brings out both in me, and I hate it. Well, the tears weren't so bad, until they were coupled with jealousy.

Where's Tyne when I need her to shake me and talk sense into me?

Fuck.

None of this is really helping, but it's better than bottling everything up inside.

The closest descriptor I can give for my current emotion is grief.

I do not like to grieve. I am always of the mind it is better to celebrate the good parts of what was, than to grieve their absence.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

At least I've stopped crying all the time. I still don't really understand myself.

Man, am I doing the crazy ex-girlfriend thing?

Probably. I hate it.

.

Rosie.

Before&After