"Up against the wall," he said. He was breathing hard and there was a sheen of sweat across his forehead. Well deserved, I might add.

The faux-wood paneling was cool against my back. My fingernails could get no purchase on the wall, however much I tried.

He's on his knees in a moment, and I perversely thought of a devoted follower kneeling at the feet of a saint.

And then I couldn't think at all, as glaring white blast of sensation seared through my brain.

~

After dinner, at the theatre saloon. Everyone getting up to leave.

I overhear a conversation between Mike, another tech I've had a small crush on for forever, and my boss, Caitlin, who's newly single.

Ah, Mike shows his preference. He asks Caitlin out to the opening of the play he's working on right now.

It got me down. I thought long and hard about being the second best, the second choice.

I thought hard about being the big girl, the one who can look boys in the eye instead of glancing coyly up through my eyelashes.

I thought about wearing practical overalls and work pants to work instead of cute shirts and hi-tops.

About how I never wear make-up to work (I get too filthy), and tie my hair back in a plain bun, instead of getting a flirty cut, or a fancy do.

I thought about my thick waist, low slung breasts, my protruding thighs, my prominent nose and masculine chin.

I thought about my anti-fashion.

I decided to stop thinking about it.

~

An old friend of mine came to visit after work, down from Red Deer. We were going to play some games. Drink some gin.

He's so good to me.

"You seem out of sorts," he says to me as he's plugging in his monitor. "A little down."

I explain to him about the overheard conversation from earlier.

He doesn't say anything either way, but gives me a belated birthday present. A new flatscreen 22" monitor.

He signed the card from himself, and the pirate character I used to draw for him back in the day, Pokey. It was very sweet.

Then he pours us both a shot of rum and Red Rain.

He spoils me.

~

I watch Caitlin out of the corner of my eye.

She has an adorable haircut and a ferocious personality.

I cannot fault Mike for chasing her.

~

It was snowing when we went for a walk to the convenience store. The snow was thin and wet and covered everything with a fine white slush.

It was quiet. I loved it.

I like the first snow.

It was slippery as hell. He offered me his arm, and I clung to it.

My bra was back on my livingroom floor.

~

Caitlin is giving me a ride home.

"I would crush Mike's heart," she says. "He's so sweet."

I knew the feeling.

"I would push him and push him and he'd never push back, and I'd just crush him."

I feel the same way about another friend of mine, who I think is interested.

He is a doormat.

Still, I cannot help but be a little jealous of Caitlin.

~

Several gins later my friend and I are playing a trivia game.

"We should play for keeps," he says.

"What do you mean?" I am confused. I've been drinking on a mostly empty stomach.

"We play for forfeit," he says.

"Alright," I agree. I don't really know what he's talking about.

We play. I lose, terribly. I cannot focus when I've been drinking, and I cannot read as fast.

"I win," he says. "I get your forfeit."

"What's my forfeit?"

"Kiss me."

~

Through the rest of the day, I start to compose a carefully worded diary entry, attempting to describe how I feel about the thoughts that have been running through my head.

Being the 'ugly one' kind of sucks.

I finally put it on hold when my friend rings my doorbell. I do not have time for bad thoughts when he comes to visit.

~

I am standing in the doorway to my bedroom, stark naked.

I am feeling saucy, and it shows in the tilt of my hips, the curve of my mouth, and the wicked twinkle in my eye.

He says something as he crosses the living room and I laugh, turn, and throw myself on my bed.

My bed is adorned in fresh sheets, in a vibrant leaf green.

These sheets will do me good, I had thought when I bought them. I paid more money than I should have, and I didn't care.

I'm laying there, smooth white skin and long dark hair against a sea of shiny emerald green, when he finally makes it to my bedroom door. He pauses there, wearing nothing more than boxers.

I can see he is happy to see me.

"Fuck, you're beautiful, Rosie."

He drops to his knees at the foot of my bed.

I laugh, and in laughing, every doubt, every concern, every word of the half-formed diary entry flies out of my mouth and dissipates.

~

I kissed him without hesitation.

It was a fearsome kiss, hungry, with teeth.

It was a very good kiss.

.

Rosie.

Before&After